(Apologies if this article has repeated words or a general lack of polish, I am in severe pain since the festivities of Talk Like A Pirate Day. I cannot sit down at the moment for entirely accidental reasons that DO NOT involve the insertion of one or more objects into my rectum. Accidentally.)
It seems WHORE ISLAND has a new inhabitant who chose TLAP Day to introduce himself. It was actually a good decision, because in any normal day (adjust your definition of “normal” to WHORE ISLAND, please), he would have called too much attention to himself. But considering WHORE ISLAND is back to its day-by-day activities, that’s exactly what’s happening now.
He calls himself Craig, and has already been given the quite staggeringly obvious nickname of “Bloody”. However, unlike most people who are nicknamed “Bloody”, he isn’t violent or short-tempered. In fact, he’s quite serene and almost disturbingly easy-going.
But he simply won’t stop bleeding from multiple wounds that don’t seem to scar.
While applying an anaesthetic (medically known as “hammer to the forehead”) on a victim (to which he referred as “patient”), the most capable doctor in WHORE ISLAND, Peter Carrack, has commented on this fascinating condition:
“I have no fucking idea.”
So we interviewed a retired Cuban doctor, Lono Gonzales, living near The Insolent Cock.
“It’s an extremely rare condition known in popular terms as ‘Balanced Hemophilia’. Craig is utterly incapable of forming scabs or otherwise healing any wound, but his body produces red cells with impressive speed, to the point where cutting his throat would not be enough to kill him.”
In fact, Bloody Craig does have a cut throat. And a cut wrist. And his femoral artery is sliced.
“Every wound he’s suffered since birth has never scarred,” says Gonzales. “The man is a walking medical phenomenon, not to mention a walking blood fountain.”
That is certainly a good description, as anyone finding themselves in close proximity to Bloody Craig (say, up to fifteen feet) will be showered with blood. Equipped with an umbrella, our team interviewed Craig. Unfortunately, the umbrella didn’t help much, since the blood spurting from Craig’s femoral artery was drenching everyone’s legs.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” he says, casually scratching the bullethole on his shoulder. “It’s just that everywhere else, people try to help me. They think I’ve just been in an accident, or at least that I fell on a giant cauldron of red paint. It’s incredibly tiring to explain to them that I’m all right. So I had to find some place populated by people who couldn’t care less about other people. I finally found this paradise,” he smiled, and the shifting of muscles in his face resulted in a squirt of blood that hit the interviewer on the face. The interviewer happened to be me, of course.
Despite not wanting to hurt anyone, Bloody Craig has already caused a death in WHORE ISLAND. A man who walked past him thought the blood on his own shirt had squirted from Craig, but in fact the man had somehow failed to notice he had been stabbed (he was quite drunk). As a result, he didn’t seek medical attention and died. Not that medical attention in an island where Peter Carrack is the highest medical authority would have helped him, but still.
Honest Ted, owner of The Shithole Pub, has been paying Bloody Craig for every bucket of blood, as an ingredient for drinks. Ted says he’ll name a drink after Craig, and he commented: “Finally, I can make an actual Bloody fucking Mary.”